Time(1? 0? Ask an M(-p)): Tink -- er, David Plays Doctor. Harvey = Lawn Cuttings. Death In The Nursery.
When one is in the midst of a compelling situation that demands one's complete attention, like trying to survive a shipwreck, or lift a burning house off one's comrade, one doesn't stop to ask, "How did I get into this situation?" One has to wait until one's mind is not occupied by the compelling situation to think that. David Bell's circumstances are such that he now has time to think.
David is sitting on the top step of a long, curvy flight of steps leading from one floor to another in the janitor's mansion. Becky's mom, Becky, is in the bedroom behind him with her new baby girl. Becky is at the bottom of the stairs climbing carefully towards him. She is bringing two brimming cups of coffee to the top of the stairs. She's cute as a bug.
"I just delivered a baby!" David thinks. "I'm a doctor!"
The way it works is this: Human beings who, in an crisis, perform beyond their capabilities, often come to believe that they have magically acquired skills they haven't earned. For example, if a passenger lands a plane after the pilot dies on him, the passenger thinks he is a pilot. Since David just delivered a baby, he thinks he's a doctor (although he could just as easily think he's a cabbie). It's a natural reaction. Most people don't think that way for long. They come around pretty quickly.
David comes around as Becky reaches the mid-point of the stairway. David quickly realizes he isn't a doctor and has never wanted to be one. What he wants to be is sitting hip to hip with his girlfriend on that top step drinking coffee. He wants to talk to her about her supposed mother who barged in here last night and had a baby girl. And kept referring to herself as his Aunt Becky. And who looks so much like his mom that he kept calling her mom.
"Is my mom all right?" Becky asks as she hands David his coffee.
"Hmmpph," David grunts. Now, he doesn't want to talk about it.
"It sure is good to see her."
"Yeah, I'll bet."
"I didn't recognize her at first."
"Oh, but you do now?" Sarcastic.
"Uh, yeah. Sure." Actually, Becky no more recognizes Becky than the man-in-the-moon. "Well, sorta...I recognized the mole...."
"Huh?"
"The mole on her stomach. I have one, too. Wanna see?"
Ordinarily, David would be interested--anxious to see any body part of Becky's. "No."
That surprises Becky. "What's the matter with you? Why are you moping?"
"I'm not moping."
"Then, you're sulking."
"No, I'm not."
"Well, it looks like sulking to me."
"Well, it isn't! Leave me alone!"
"Okay!" Becky picks up her coffee and heads along the upstairs hallway toward her bedroom. She doesn't need this.
"We're cousins," David calls after her. "Did you know that? You and me are cousins."
Becky stops. So that's it, she thinks. That's why he's sulking. He doesn't want to be related to me! Becky is thrilled.
Now, she returns and sits beside him. "Is that why you're mad?"
David doesn't answer. Irrationally, he's blaming her for being his cousin. (He should blame himself. He's half a year younger than she.)
They sip their coffee. They sit. Slowly, it becomes apparent to David that Becky isn't to blame for this mess. He stops putting out bad vibes. Becky senses that and scoots closer to him...hip-to-hip, like he wanted before. Cousins probably shouldn't sit that close. Says who?
"If I tell you something crazy, will you promise not to get weird?"
"I promise," David says immediately. Crazy is required in this situation. David would love to hear something crazy! He definitely won't get weird! (Sure, you say that, now, David. But, wait 'til you hear what she says. Never promise first.)
Becky takes a deep breath, lets it out, then is silent.
"Well? What?" David is interested, and very impatient. What she's going to say is bound to be related to their being related. David hopes she'll say something that will suddenly solve his dilemma of being in love with his cousin. He wants to be free of the taint of inbreeding. He hopes she'll say that she fell straight from heaven as an angel...that she has no mother and can prove it in a court of law. While she's at it, she could say that Harvey isn't her dad! Why not? "What? Tell me!"
Just then they hear a crash as Harvey breaks dishes in the kitchen one floor down and about a hundred yards north. It's a huge noise...he must've smashed a dozen of them this time.
Becky rolls her eyes. She shakes her head. She doesn't want to believe he's her father.
"So...what were you going to tell--"
Becky holds up a hand to shush David. She cocks her head a certain way and listens. She wants to know if Harvey is heading this way.
Why is that?
Well, here's what we know about Harvey: He's as stupid as concrete bed sheets. He loved Lizzie but treated her like shit. He waxes urinals. He's a paranoid schizophrenic (with God popping in and out of his poor head, that's hardly surprising). He abuses the telephone. His first reaction to a crisis is to threaten David Bell. His second is to beg for help. He collects used candy. He's rich...somehow. He's forgotten which eggs are boiled, the ones in the pan or the ones in the carton. If not stopped, he hits.
Wouldn't you want to avoid this man?
"He's coming." She jumps up. "Come on. We'll talk in my room."
They disappear down the hallway as Harvey starts up the stairs with a tray of boiled eggs and toast for Becky's breakfast. Also, the newspaper for her. He's an enlightened man. He doesn't mind cooking for her when she's just had his baby. (We can't be too sure the eggs are actually cooked, though.)
He raps on the bedroom door. Hearing no answer, he enters to find Becky asleep, her daughter cradled in her arms. It's been a long night, he figures. She was in labor eleven hours. Poor woman.
"BREAKFAST!" he bawls.
The baby girl wakes up with a start. For a moment, she's confused about where she is. (She'd better get used to it. This is a confusing place.) She's been dreaming about Eternity and the long, delicious, wait for birth. Soon, that memory will fade away (at about the time she discovers hunger). It'll be gone entirely with her first bowel movement. There's nothing metaphoric about that.
She sees Harvey leaning over her. He's kind of blurry. She thinks it's her new mortal eyes, but it isn't--it just Harvey. She decides he's lawn cuttings. Not bad, little girl!
She wriggles closer to her mother's body, savoring the warmth of mom and relishing her own mass, something she's not experienced before. She concentrates on breathing in time with her mother. Bonding, it is called. She regrets that she wasn't doing it earlier, before the lawn cuttings came in. She knew she was supposed to, but she fell asleep. She feels guilt, something else she hasn't experienced before. Ah, life!
Harvey spills the eggs on her. Yup, they're raw.
"Waaaaaaa!"
"Wha--?" It's Becky. "What the hell--?"
"Good morning!" booms Harvey plucking slimy eggshells off the baby.
"Waaaa, waaaa!"
Becky looks down at her screaming baby. "What did you do to her!?" She pushes Harvey's hands away from the child. "Leave her alone! What is this stuff?"
"Eggs 'n toast," Harvey says, his enthusiasm waning. He is concerned about the mess. It is his passion to keep things clean, and here he's dumped eggs on his baby. Foolishly, he makes another attempt to clean up the slippery goop.
"I said, leave her alone! Who the hell are you?" Becky screeches. She snatches the child to her, out of Harvey's reach. "Get out of here!"
Harvey is disenchanted by this woman. He hopes Jonathan is having better luck with her. "I'm Harvey, Anna! This is our baby!"
Harvey lunges across the bed after the escaping baby, obsessed with cleaning up the mess he's made. He means well. So did Godzilla.
"Get away, you son-of-a-bitch!"
In mid-lunge, Harvey feels himself change direction; backwards instead of forwards. He feels himself land on the floor quite a ways from the bed. He feels the breakfast tray hit him right between the eyes. Then, he feels nothing.
Now, maybe we can have a sane conversation around here.
"Thanks, Tink." Becky says to David Bell.
David shrugs. "He's always doing dumb shit."
"Tink's strong," Becky says. "He stopped Harvey from hitting me last night before you came."
"Hitting you?" Becky's maternal instincts start to seethe. She glances menacingly at the somnolent form on the floor. "So, before I kill him, who is he?"
"You don't know?"
"Uhhh...no."
David and Becky look at each other. They don't get it. "He says he's your husband...."
"...my dad." Becky echoes miserably.
"...my ass," Becky growls with finality. "I never saw him before in my life."
The beginnings of a smile appear on Becky's face. "You haven't?"
"Never."
All three look at the goofball on the floor. And look. And look. He looks dead. He is.
"Oops," says Becky. She begins cleaning the egg off her new baby.
"Where's God?" Becky mutters. "He's never around when you need Him."
"It was an accident!" David Bell cries. "I just grabbed him! He was attacking the baby!"
Don't make excuses, Tink. It isn't manly.
As for Harvey, he is dead. Again. (For the second time, or third...or millionth. It doesn't matter -- it's happened before.) It caught him by surprise again, too.