Frog Blankets
Time⁽¹⁾:  Lunch With God -- The Interrogation Continues

With the spilled coffee mopped up, and His hat back on His head where it belongs (well, back where it had been. God shouldn't be wearing His hat indoors, but...who's to tell Him He can't?), God sets aside the impossible-to-eat jerky (pterodactyl thigh meat; a hopelessly tough cut that He had no business drying in the first place) so he can concentrate on the business at hand...that business being the investigation of Jonathan's role in the murder of Becky Blank.

"Okay, but first," Jonathan says, "I'd like to hear more about this 'temporary lapse' of Yours. How is it You missed Becky and I in the barn? How is it You can forget her name? She's one of Your children!"

"I decline ta be rebuked by a fella keeps callin' his son, 'Tinker David'."  (That's 'Tink--er, David', God...as in 'Tink--oops, sorry, David'.  Same difference, though.)

"That's different!"

God arches an eyebrow, a dangerous sign. " 'tis? How?"

"I'm human! I'm allowed mistakes. You're God!"

"So, we're back ta th' ol' double standard, huh? Ya'll kin futz through yer life like a dog in a bed a' daisies while I gotta do everthin' right th' first time. Th' rules applies only ta Me, that it?"  (Good work, God! That's a masterful example of twisted logic!--Author)  (Thank ya.--God.)

"Yes!"  (Oops. He didn't buy it, God.)

"Let Me tell ya somethin', boy. This here all-seein', all-knowin' God thang's been completely misunderstood by ya'll. Thet ain't how it works. Ya see, everthin' thet happens is writ on a page in a Book, ta be read by Me whenever I git a minute, or when I need ta look somethin' up. It's there...'n it cain't never be erased 'cept by one thang--a sincere act a' contrition; 'n thar's dern few a' those, believe Me. Even contrition cain't erase somethin' if'n thar's no need fer contrition in th' first place. (Thet's ta keep ya'll from erasin' ever teensy li'l moment when ya was a teensy bit embarrassed or yer hair wasn't quite right. I know some wimmin'd erase themselves plumb outa Eternity.)

"Now then, when I need to know somethin', or need ta call down judgement on folks, I just glances o'er thet page 'n I know what ta do. Simple enough, right? Now, in th' case a'--"

"How do You know what page it's on?"

"Huh?"

"The page of Eternity. There must be a lot of them. How do You know which one?"

" 'cause I'm God!" God shouts impatiently. "I mightn't not know what's on th' page, but I know what page it's on!" He glares at Jonathan as though daring him to ask another question but, with those kinds of answers, Jonathan isn't about to. "Now, in the case a' some innercent li'l children who're sneakin' out ta th' barn to look et thangs they got, why...I ain't about ta make a fuss o'er th' guileless curiosity a' youth. I don't 'member th' last time I had ta look thet up in the book." He casts a baleful eye upon Jonathan. "Except, in yer case." God can't help shaking His head, "In yer case, it all has ta go awry...."

Jonathan meets God's ominous eyes and titters in discomfort. "I didn't kill her," he says lamely. "Look it up it the book."

God is silent, a blessing after a paragraph or two of cowboy talk. He is thinking back (not technically possible without time, of course) to a certain Light in a forgotten corner of the cosmos, obstinately blinking his aura off and on in spite of God's attempts to shush him. He's tempted to tell Jonathan about H^aGnt'l. He's tempted to come clean about His irritation and affection for H^aGnt'l/Jonathan. He can't do it, though. It'd be giving away the next ending.

"Cain't," God says. "It ain't in th' book."

Jonathan is perplexed. "I don't get it. It didn't happen?"

"Oh, it happened, all right. It jus' ain't in th' book. Thar's jus' a flash a' light...right where it shoulda been. Cain't see a thang." God scratches His chin. "...hate it when thet happens..."

"It's happened before?"

"Nope."

"Oh. So, You have to take my word for it," Jonathan muses.

Contrary to what you might be thinking, Jonathan isn't glad to hear that. He has no reason to fear God's judgment on the matter. He knows he didn't kill her. And, he could use some insight into his feelings of guilt.

"...or, You could talk to Becky."

"Done thet."

"And?"

"Said twarn't none a' my business what a lady did in th' privacy a' her barn...but if'n ya'll wanted ta blab, she couldn't stop ya."

"She's making it sound like some kind of assignation!  We were just kids! We sneaked into the barn to smoke cigarettes! She fainted! It was nothing!"  Jonathan exclaims.  Then,  "She really said it was none of Your business?"

"--what she tol' Me. She's 'bout as--." God shuts Himself up. He'd been about to say that Becky is almost as aggravating as Jonathan, but He isn't supposed to tell that, either.

"Well, I didn't kill her," Jonathan repeats, thinking it was about time to repeat it. "For heaven's sake, she didn't die until five years later!"

"Now 'at's true. I thought a' thet. But, ya'll coulda give her some kinda slow pison, or poked jus' a li'l hole in her 'n she bled ta death, slow like...."

"What!?"

"Don't git fidgety! I ain't accusin'. I'm jus' weighin' ever' possibility. I gotta do thet, ya know."

"You think she bled to death for five years?"

" 'Tain't possible?" God asks.

"No. It isn't possible."

"Whew...good 'nuff. So, thet jus' leaves th' pison."

"Oh, for Pete's sake--"

"I know! I know!" God cries, waving a hand impatiently. "I don't much like it, neither!"

"Well, ask her doctor!"

"Did. But, a country sawbones? Easy ta hide pison from him. Now, I was thinkin'--"

"--then, make her tell you!"

"How? Ya'll ever git yer Anna ta do somethin' she don' want ta do? Now, My idee is--"

"--but, You're God!"

"Wa'l, thet don' seem ta cut no ice with Miss Becky Whats-Her-Name. Now, listen--"

"--look, go back and tell her that she's dead and what she did in her barn isn't private any more."

"Wa'l, I can't exactly do thet...."

"Why not?"

"Wa'l, God mumbles. " 'cause she ain't exactly daid no more...."

"What!?"

"Don't git all het up! These thangs happen!"

"You mean she didn't die?!"

"Wa'l sure, she died! But now, she's sorta...come back. But, listen--"

"Back!  Back to life!?"

"YEAH!  BACK TA LIFE!  WILL YA'LL SHUT UP 'N LISTEN A MINUTE?!" God bellows in exasperation. "I GOT A PLAN!"

"It'd better be good...."

"It ain't," God mutters. "But, it's th' only one I got. Now, I'm wonderin' if'n yer...."

"Yes?"

"...yer...uhhh...shucks, ya know...."

"What? What?"

"...wa'l, yer...ya know, thet dern...thet dern...."

Jonathan suddenly smiles. He understands. "...computer? Gretl? Is that what You're trying to say?"

"...wa'l..."

Jonathan grins. "You can't say it, can You?"

"'course I kin, but since ya already know what I mean, I ain't gonna. Now--"

"--wait a minute! I get it!" Jonathan exclaims. "You think she might know what happened?"

"Wa'l, it occurred ta Me--"

"--you know, she just might! If she's been reconstructing my life...."

"...'n if she ever gits done with it...." God growls sarcastically.

"...we'll ask her."

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