Time(1): Phone Abuse: Harvey Calls Jonathan Who Thinks He's Talking To Theodore Who Knows About Becky...Never Mind.
Harvey Czakowski could use some help right about now. He's been left alone again, God being away on business. Harvey is in the gymnasium, under the bleachers, husbanding a mound of used food; a bag of smashed M & M's, a barely licked Tootsie-pop, and several tips of hotdogs including two or three with bun still attached. There was a game last night. (Naturally, they leave it to Harvey to clean up.)
Usually, Harvey doesn't mind. He usually enjoys his private time beneath the bleachers. He often hums nonsensical tunes as he gathers the crepe paper and the scorecards and the wax cups and the little store of food for Lizzie--
"Oh, no..." Harvey clutches his abdomen and rocks back and forth like a Buddha with heartburn. "Ohh, n-o-o-o-o...."
Harvey misses Lizzie, the (Dead) Dyke. He makes no bones about it. He misses her. He could relate to Lizzie, with her dykish physicalness, her Polish insecurities, her teenagerite suicides, and her Czakowskian stupidity. The only thing he hadn't liked about her was her Beckyesque temper. That had frightened him.
When he's alone in the big house with this new Becky person, Harvey tries to make himself invisible (when God is being Harvey, He does make Himself invisible, which is where Harvey got the idea. Harvey thinks it is his own (Harvey's) idea and doesn't understand why it doesn't work. When God is being Harvey, Harvey doesn't understand why it does work.).
When he'd been alone with Lizzie, he'd had fun. He'd fed her. He'd called her horrible names like dyke and bitch and consumer activist. He'd laughed at her when she couldn't get out of a chair. He'd hidden rich deserts around the grounds of the mansion like Easter eggs, then sent her out to hunt for them. He'd told her Polish jokes and dyke jokes and jokes about fat people. He'd loved her!
He had tried to love this Becky. Once, he called her a fat Polish dyke and she just stood there and looked at him like he was asphalt. So, he told her the joke about the Polish airline stewardess and the can of sardines. It didn't go over. (Possibly, this Becky had an undeveloped sense of smell.)
Harvey didn't understand that the days of Lizzie were over. He didn't understand that it was a phase. He'd been told that it was a phase, of course. By Becky at the top of her lungs. Several times. He'd been told that two or three weeks of eating rabbit food had melted away the fat. (Don't even think of turning this into a fad diet unless you're Lizzie and you live in a mansion with a janitor whom you're pretty sure is God.) She'd said that Lizzie was an alias, which he didn't understand because Lizzie, so far as he knew, hadn't been involved in anything illegal. Aliases are for bank robbers, he thought.
"Then, think of it as a nickname."
But even Harvey knew that Lizzie couldn't be a nickname for Becky. "Becky is short for Rebecca," he'd explained to an astonished Becky who'd never known of any name but Becky. "Lizzie is short for Elizabeth. See?"
"My name is Rebecca?" Becky had never even thought about her given name.
"No, it's Elizabeth," Harvey had said. "Elizabeth Czakowski. Only, I guess you're changing it," he'd added sadly.
Harvey stops moaning and picks up the pile of food. Carrying it to a garbage can, he dumps it in. No point flogging a dead horse, is there Harvey? Or feeding a dead dyke. (Harvey would flog a dead horse, of course, if it was in his nature to flog anything. Futility is one of the driving forces in Harvey's life. Violence (flogging) isn't, however. Oh, Harvey has thrown food at Lizzie, and pulled her chair out from under her as she was lowering her bulk into it. But, that was just horseplay. Fun. Harvey has also threatened to kill Tinker Bell, but he hasn't gone so far as to actually visualize the method. He was using a figure of speech when he said that. He'll never do it again, either. He'll never forget Anna's reaction. Anna did visual the method!)
So, Harvey dumps the food in the trash, not out of a sense of futility, but out of a lack of options. His first option is to feed Lizzie with it, but she's dead. His second is to feed himself, but garbage makes him vomit. His third is to give it to Tinker Bell to put in Lizzie's locker, but she's dead and this Becky person is using her locker. His fourth option is to give it to Tinker Bell anyway to put into Lizzie's old locker anyway, just to see the look on this Becky person's face...but, Tinker probably wouldn't do it since he'd fallen for this Becky person's things, and anyway, Harvey wouldn't be there to see it. He'd just have to clean it up, later. His last option is the garbage can.
Plop.
He goes to the phone to call Jonathan Bell at work. Harvey got the number from an unwitting God. That's how distracted God's been.
"Undarling Corp, Mr. Bell's office."
"Who's this?"
"This is Mr. Bell's secretary," the voice says officiously. "How may I help you?" she adds in that condescending secretary tone of voice that means "die and munch worms, sucker."
"Uh, it's Harvey. I--"
The secretary gasps. Her spine crackles as she sits up straight at her desk. She pushes some papers aside and pulls a legal pad toward her. She drops her lipstick into a drawer and gets a pencil. She grabs a telephone message pad and places it beside the legal pad. Now, she's ready to talk to the boss. "Uh...uh...uh...."
(Do I need to tell you that this is not Becky? Do we want to tell the secretary that this is not the boss?)
"Hello?" Harvey squeaks. He is made nervous by the secretary. "Uh, if I could speak--"
"Oh! Yes, sir! He's right here!" The secretary is all cooperation and enthusiasm now. "Mr. Bell is right here! He's not doing anything, just standing on one foot by the fake fern. He can be bothered, sir! Mr. Bell!" she screeches. "Harvey!"
"Yes?" Harvey asks, timorously.
"Which Harvey?" Jonathan inquires. He knows two of them.
"Not you," she snaps into the phone, forgetting who she thinks she is talking to. "Harvey!" she hisses at Jonathan. "I'm sorry," she apologizes back into the phone. "I was yelling at Mr. Bell."
"Why were you yelling?" Harvey asks, coming alert. "What's he done now?" Harvey has heard God use that tone when discussing Jonathan.
The secretary comes alert. Her boss is in trouble with The Big Boss! She can tell from his tone! She's glad! She's glad because Jonathan is her boss and she resents that. "Well, nothing really," she says, being noncommittal because Jonathan is nearby. "I mean, you can hardly ask me to...." she hesitates, hoping Harvey will get her inference that Jonathan has done something terrible, but she can't talk about it because he's right beside her. Harvey gets nothing of the sort.
"That boy!" he says, with a ponderous sigh. God has done that, too.
"Boy? Uh..." The secretary is becoming confused.
"I raised him up," Harvey laments as God has done, "and still--"
Raised? The secretary wonders if she's got it all wrong. Maybe this is Jonathan's father...or his beloved uncle, who raised him after his parents were killed in a fiery crash. Or, this could be God, who raised him from the dead! Or, a farmer, who raised him in a field of Jonathans. Raised?
Oh, well, if it's just his dad-- "Here," she says, brusquely handing Jonathan the phone. "It's your dad."
"Huh?"
We haven't talked much about Jonathan's father, nor do we intend to. Your author is juggling enough characters in his head. Suffice it to say that his father's name isn't Harvey, it's Theodore (you've probably forgotten) and he isn't on the phone. He's retired. He sold the farm and moved into town, mildly irritated that his son didn't become a farmer. "What's the matter? Working the soil isn't good enough for you?" But, he's encouraged that his grandson, David, likes tractors. But, it's too late, he sold the farm already. So, he's bitter. And crazy...about Anna. He thinks she's smart and sexy. He has told Jonathan to keep her off the farm because farm work makes a woman old before her time--look at Victoria. Jonathan has. Victoria looks about thirty years old. She looks great! Why do you think Jonathan dreamed about her? Why do you think she was one of the naked ladies in his great computer dream? It wasn't her figure that made him cringe away from her, it was the idea! His mother! Naked! Her great figure made it worse! What's the matter with Theodore, that he can't see that? But then, he's getting on. Must be...oh, early eighties by now, I'd imagine.
"Dad?" Jonathan says into the phone.
"Who?" Harvey asks. "What?"
"IT'S JONATHAN! YOUR SON!" Jonathan shouts, thinking that Theodore has grown hard of hearing. "DAD? IS EVERYTHING OKAY? IS MOM OKAY? ARE YOU OKAY?"
"Son? I don't have a son! What are you talking about?"
"OH, NO! PLEASE DAD! YOU'RE OVERREACTING...I JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN ME TO BECOME A FARMER...." Jonathan thinks he's just been disowned by his father. "I LOVE YOU, DAD!"
Harvey pulls the receiver from his ear and stares at the phone. (Why do people do that? It's not the phone's fault there's an idiot on the other end of the line.) He puts it against his ear, again. "Try custodial work," he says, thinking he's been asked for some career advice. "that's all I can say. It's a good living...especially schools. The kids are nice." Kids. It dawns on him why he called. "I called about that damn kid of yours."
"TINK--ER, DAVID? YOU'RE DISOWNING DAVID? WHAT'D HE EVER DO TO YOU? HE LIKES TRACTORS!"
"...THEN HE SHOULD BECOME A FARMER!" Harvey shouts. "WHY'RE YOU ASKING ME!? JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM BECKY...MY NEW DAUGHTER!"
Becky?? Theodore knows about Becky? That's the first thought Jonathan has. Then Jonathan thinks, how did he find out? Who told? What does he know? Then, he has another thought: Which Becky? Becky Blank, who died of heart failure? Or Becky, his wonderful secretary who's gone now, damnit. (And he casts a sidelong glance at this secretary who replaced her and who is sitting motionless at her desk absorbing every word he says in case she can use it against him someday.) How would Theodore know about his wonderful secretary...or Becky Blank for that matter? At this point in his life, why would he care? Why would he disinherit David because Jonathan and Becky sneaked into the barn? And finally, why would he think Becky was his daughter--his new daughter?
"Hello?" It's Harvey. "Hello? What's going on? Are you still there?" Harvey takes the receiver from his ear and bangs it against the palm of his hand. (Why do people do that?) He puts it back to his ear.
Jonathan clears his throat. Theodore is getting impatient. He just banged the receiver against his palm, hurting Jonathan's ear.
Harvey hears Jonathan clear his throat. He thinks banging the receiver brought Jonathan back onto the line. Next time he hears silence on a phone, he'll bang the receiver again. That's why people do it. It works.
"I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, DAD," Jonathan shouts assertively, with a sideling glance at the eavesdropping secretary, "THAT I LOVED BECKY! I DON'T REGRET WHAT HAPPENED. I LEARNED FROM IT. AND ANYWAY, IF GOD CAN FORGIVE ME, THEN YOU SHOULD, TOO!" Jonathan goes on, making a clean breast of it. "AS FOR MY SISTER-IN-LAW; NEXT TO HER SISTER, SHE'S THE MOST WONDERFUL WOMAN I'VE EVER MET! ANNA AND I OWE BECKY EVERYTHING!" Pause for a deep breath. "AND, IT WASN'T JUST SEX!"
(There, Harvey. Cogitate on that for awhile. Harvey? Harvey?)